She Loves Me? She Loves Me, Not?
Whether mundane or transcendent, anxiety is just a part of love.
Mundane romance requires some anxiety to get started. It's the excitement of whether our feelings towards the other will be reciprocated that keeps us entranced.
If the answer is "yes" then we give ourselves permission to "fall" in love. If "no" than lamentation.
But, from the perspective of a sādhaka, the answer to whether or not Kṛṣṇa loves us is always "yes". This is boring for the mundane senses, yet the same senses can be engaged in hearing, speaking, smelling and seeing Kṛṣṇa and His paraphernalia.
If this is done according to guidance given by the guru paramparā, it begins to awaken a new excitement that makes all other excitements pale in comparison. A simple consideration that may look like neurosis from those who don't "hear the music" can open up a world of satisfying spiritual anxiety.
"Did Kṛṣṇa get his lāḍḍu?"
"Kṛṣṇa likes THESE kinds of flowers, not those."
"Kṛṣṇa has arranged some sort of disturbance for me to learn and grow."
"Kṛṣṇa likes when I chant at this time in the morning."
"Kṛṣṇa looks especially well-dressed today. How fortunate am I to be a part of serving like that. Maybe he's expecting a guest?"
The key thing is that these absorptions are centred on giving pleasure to Kṛṣṇa. This is not sahajiyā, but the fruit of sacrifice and sādhana. It's obtainable. The ācāryas didn't lie to us. They are very generous if we take the right mood and allow our hearts to be filled with gratitude and attachment to them.
Pretty soon, we can lose concern for our personal satisfaction as it becomes reposed in the struggle to give satisfaction to Kṛṣṇa. Then we can start to understand the plight of the heartbroken:
āśliṣya vā pāda-ratāṁ pinaṣṭu mām
adarśanān marma-hatāṁ karotu vā
yathā tathā vā vidadhātu lampaṭo
mat-prāṇa-nāthas tu sa eva nāparaḥ"Let Kṛṣṇa tightly embrace this maidservant, who has fallen at His lotus feet. Let Him trample Me or break My heart by never being visible to Me. He is a debauchee, after all, and can do whatever He likes, but He is still no one other than the worshipable Lord of My heart.”
(The final verse of Śikṣāṣṭaka by Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu)
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